my vag is so smooth its legendary
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
