What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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