I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
