his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
