i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
