I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
high people should be assigned attendants
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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