Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I just want nice things and good sex
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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