this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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