So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
