Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize