If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
