When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Dick very happy bro
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize