That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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