highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize