I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
