Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you traded sex for a burrito?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize