tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
NoShamevember. You game?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
