I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We have so much sex to catch up on
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
