I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Can you bring me the toilet please
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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