the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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