I think I won the penis lottery.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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