I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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