Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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