The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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