I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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