I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
