A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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