I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize