Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
and i looked up. we had an audience...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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