He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
