3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
