Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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