He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
