i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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