My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
