You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
And then he peed in my hair
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