Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
