i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
