Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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