Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
