Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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