im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
