Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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