i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
