Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
