I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
