I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
