She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
