Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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