sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It's blow job season.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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