Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
