I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize