i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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