I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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