I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
