So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
