I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
