Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
