Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm passing your future prison.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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