this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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