good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
