i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
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