Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
