I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
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