yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
