and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize