I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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