This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
